Raw and scared and hopeless and unsure and angry and revengeful: Hatred is a result of all of these faces. There is no need to see photos of victims, know their names or hear their stories; I choose not to know so please don’t talk details. My protective cover is on. The sensational story lines are for the primitive brain where we chose to attack or hide. My heart already knows them as me.
Each time it happens, being alone is where I release. How do I know how long to keep the band-aide on? As long as the wound is healing, it needs to be in the dark where all filters are off. In daylight, I walk a line between not suppressing my emotions and trying to hold space. One morning I don’t want to leave meditation because that may be the only place all day I don’t feel guilty for smiling and not attaching to the madness. And the next day I want to scream at the top of my voice “I am tired of all this shit you hateful pricks”. I also cry unobstructed without needing to explain why. “Stop your crying. Act like a big girl.” That is the bad advice I heard the mother tell her child last week. I am a big girl and I do cry. I allow myself all this and more. Each emotion has it’s own energy. I feel their sensations in my body and give permission to go there. I can hold myself in sacred space. And whatever they may be, I make peace with my thoughts.
Somewhere along the way, I learned it is not in my job description to tell others who I am. No matter how long or how well you know someone, you never truly know them. People are not put in my path so I can tell them about myself. They are here to teach me about mySelf. They expose my difficult parts so I can grow spiritually. What makes me weak, angry, judgmental? Please push those trigger points. I will embody a stronger vibration. But when the world feels this broken, part of me feels the need to explain myself – that I am like a bear and my method of self-nurturing is hibernation. It doesn’t mean I don’t care or am in denial or avoidance. Solitude is where I dig deepest into my heart space beyond all that is black and dead.
“Don’t look for the light to find me, become the light.” The first glimpse is not going to come from the evening news, on social media or in an emotional discussion on current events. I find it alone in my wounds. If I let myself get caught up in the stories and conversation, even with the best of intentions, I stay in the dark. The wounds become universal wounds – my wounds. Evil prevails and too much energy goes toward trying to fathom the despise in another soul. I am my thoughts. Why do I want them to repeatedly be of hateful humans and tragedy? They want me to be scared and judgmental. Protect yourself. Don’t trust each other. Instead I will be stronger in my resolve to see myself in others; because it is not death I fear – it is a world of better people living IN fear.
Hatred is a small child throwing a tantrum. It has limitations and will exhaust itself. It is only satisfied when it gets attention and recognition; Enter the Aquarian Age of information where Mass Media nurtures hate. Love knows no boundaries, has no agenda and tiptoes quietly through the human madness. The energy of the heart heals. The mind judges. The heart is empathetic and compassionate. The mind wants revenge and justice. Nothing sinks us into survival behavior faster than allowing hatred to gloat; or it sends us into an emotional upheaval that society then tells us to restrain; or into the ego where anger lives. We are certain we are better than the perpetrator. I tell myself my hands are not weapons of hate. But what are the small ways that my words and thoughts harm others?
Today is a full moon. I choose to magnify love.